While Nodding Off In Unprogrammed Worship





The other day in unprogrammed worship, a significant thought (word from God) emerged in my mind. As I sat with the thought, actually it was a spiritual analogy; I sensed a prompting and the freedom to share it with the gathered community. What’s funny about it all is that later as Miriam and I were talking about what I had shared, she told she had opened her eyes a few minutes before I shared and had seen my head nodding. I sort of remember nodding off some, but not really. I have often wondered if I’m more open to God speaking to me when I’m half asleep and half awake. Maybe my ego is more relaxed and my defenses are down.

Anyway, I got to reflecting on Wednesday nights when I take my five year old grandson, Abram, to the swimming pool. He loves to go swimming with grandpa. Now this is an interesting experience. Abram has had some pretty negative experiences related to swimming. My guess is that he was forced to do some things before he was ready to do them and it created a lot of fear in him related to swimming. He loves going into the water and in the community pool we go to, in the more shallow section, which is still about three to four feet deep, there is a shelf on one side of the pool. This shelf sits about two to three feet below the surface. Abram can stand on that three foot wide shelf and frolic in the water. He stands on the shelf and I stand in the deeper water and we play all sorts of games together.

From time to time I invite him to hop on my back and we venture out into deeper water, but Abram always is clinging tightly to my neck. In fact, he almost chokes me he hangs on so tightly.

One of the reasons I think Abram likes going with me to the pool so much is because he knows there is one unspoken rule. Abram calls the shots. We do what Abram wants to do. For my part, I am very subtlety and consistently inviting him to work on learning how to swim and encouraging him to try new things, but as soon as he says “No” to something, that’s it. We immediately stop. Abram has the ultimate say-so.

What has been the effect of that? Abram loves going to the pool. He loves the water. He loves playing in the pool with grandpa. And slowly, very slowly, hardly noticeable at all to the casual observer, Abram is making progress. In fact, I would suggest that Abram doesn’t even notice the progress he is making, because that’s not where the focus on our time together is at. The focus is on us being together, enjoying each other and playing in the water. He is learning some things and as I watch him, I see him look out at other boys and girls in the deeper water and I think I see a desire in him to go do things he sees them doing. But we don’t focus on that stuff. The focus is on grandson and grandpa playing together.

So I’m prayerfully reflecting on all of this in unprogrammed worship and I start to think about how God relates to me concerning my fears. I started wondering if that is how God interacts with me, if beyond my wildest understanding, God is letting me call the shots. God is continually inviting me to deeper waters, continually encouraging me to try new things I’ve never done before, to face into difficult issues I’ve long avoided, but as soon as I say “No,” he backs off, says “Fine,” and we keep frolicking through life together. And slowly, very slowly, I’m changing. I’m growing. I’m healing. I’m becoming more Christlike.

What really hit me was this. So often I mentally beat myself up, I mean I really do, because I’m so fearful about certain things, things God has been working on in my life for years. But I’m wondering if it’s that big of a deal to God. Now this is really running against all of the emphasis I’ve taken in and placed on others to lead a radical life for Christ. But I’m starting to wonder if all the guilt, or maybe its shame, I have for not doing things I think God is calling me to do is self imposed.

Here’s why I’m wondering this. I know that for me, it would break my heart if the whole time Abram and I were at the pool together, all Abram would be aware of is that grandpa thinks he’s a slacker. That grandpa is frustrated with him because he’s not out in the pool swimming on his own. That grandpa’s object of focus is on what Abram isn’t doing rather than on who Abram is. It seems to me that what that would essentially do is take all the joy out of our time together.

There is no doubt in my mind that Abram knows I think it would be great if he would work on learning to swim in the deeper water and that I have hopes for him that he’s not ready to explore. But I also believe that Abram thinks that grandpa really likes being with him at the pool and that, in fact, that’s the important thing, we’re together having fun. How sad that would be if Abram’s and my relationship was just all about what he’s not doing, how far short he is falling of grandpa’s hopes and expectations.

So I’m wondering, I’m suspicious, that this might reflect God’s attitude toward me and my fears. “Yeah, Paul, there are some amazing things you could be doing, and you’re even fully capable of doing them. But for whatever reasons (of which God is fully aware, unlike me and Abram), you’re not ready to go there. Don’t beat yourself up over that. I’ll keep gently inviting you to those places, the invitation will never stop coming, and someday your deep, deep longings to go there will finally win out, and then we’ll celebrate together. Until then, let’s keep enjoying being in each other’s presence, frolicking and playing together, and oh by the way, have you noticed that you’ve picked up some new things in the midst of our being together. Did you know you’ve changed. Hmmm…I guess some thing is going on. And hey, did you know I love being with you and love I you deeply.”

And all this surfaced from the depths while I was nodding off in unprogrammed worship. Weird, huh?