Crazy Time In The Ordinary
There are times in my everyday experience that invite me into crazy time. They’re really no big deal, but the invitation is there nonetheless and the choice is there nonetheless. I’m trying to learn to say “yes” whenever the invitation comes, so that maybe there will come a time when I’ll say “yes” to what seems like a very defining moment. Of course, the defining moment is actually all the little moments I say yes to crazy time.
Miriam and I have started to jog on a regular basis. I don’t like jogging, but I need to be in better physical shape. As I jog I remember what Rohr says about limenal experiences. Go there as often as you can and stay there as long as you can. So I go jogging as often as I can, which is almost daily these days. And I stay there as long as I can. We’re slowly jogging further and further, shooting for jogging in fun run that is three miles long. I must admit that the feeling when I’m done jogging is euphoric.
This past week I went with a group of friends to a camp to do volunteer work. We were painting a large building on the campus of the camp. At one point my work crew needed someone to go up about thirty feet to paint under the eaves. Go there as often as you can and stay there as long as you can. So up I went. It’s not that I’m scared of high places. I’m afraid of falling. But after I had been at it for an hour or so, I actually started getting used to it and felt really good about the work I got done.
Two pretty insignificant experiences that were invitations into crazy time. In both situations there was a deep sense of satisfaction in what was accomplished.
The other day in church we were told about a young lady a year or so out of high school who has been spending a year in India working with girls who are in or susceptible to the prostitution industry. She got very sick with malaria and typhoid, so she has come home early. We were asked to pray for her health, her safe return to the States, but also for her to be able to cope with the sadness of leaving India early and the pain of saying good-bye to the girls with whom she has become very close. Before I was really aware of what was going through my mind, I caught myself thinking, “My God, this young lady has lived more in one year than I have lived my entire life. Interesting thought. A life time of avoiding crazy time.
Today, Jesus, help me to recognize and say “yes” to your invitations to crazy time.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Crazy Time and the Army
This coming Thursday, Miriam and I will be traveling to Seattle where I will be teaching a group of army personnel from around the country about contemplative youth ministry. What a deal. The preparation time and doing this is all clearly crazy time for me. I’m a Quaker, good grief. I’ve done youth ministry in a local church for years. I have no idea what it’s like to do youth ministry on an army base. I don’t know what youth who are children of army personnel are like, what their struggles are, etc. Oh sure, I can glibly say that they’re like all other youth, and I’m sure there are similarities, but they’re also facing unique life experiences that I’ve not dealt with much on an intellectual or experiential level.
It’s been interesting imaging what this time is going to be like. There are times when I begin to imagine this experience and fear is there to escort me through the imagining. When I allow the fear to join me, I begin to question what it is about contemplative youth ministry that I really know. I lose sight of much of my knowledge, conviction and passion for this approach to ministry.
On the other hand, when I allow myself to move into a restful and attentive place, thoughts, ideas, feelings of clarity and hope begin to emerge. I begin to be more aware of who I am and who the folks I’ll be sharing with are. I’m reminded that who I am is not some expert on contemplative youth ministry, but I’m the beloved of God. When I become centered on my belovedness, then I begin to experience freedom and in that freedom I find I’m free to also see that the folks I’ll be sharing with are God’s beloved, too. At the same time, some of the really important things that I believe about contemplative youth ministry begin to emerge, and not just because it’s good information that I can share and that it will impress these folks, but because it’s truth and I’ve experienced the truth in my life and that makes me excited to share it with these folks.
I’m also reminded about Parker Palmer’s definition of teaching. “To teach is to create a space in which the community of truth is practiced.” As I share with these folks, truth will be present, pursuing us, and every individual there will have the ability to hear truth. Because of that, I hope I will be able to create a space in which the community can share with each other the truth we will individually and collectively encounter. It’s not all about Paul Bock, but about the community of truth listening to Truth.
So I am climbing out of the boat, and by God’s grace I’ll keep my eyes on Jesus, I will be attentive to that of Christ in these folks, and not get distracted by the waves.
This coming Thursday, Miriam and I will be traveling to Seattle where I will be teaching a group of army personnel from around the country about contemplative youth ministry. What a deal. The preparation time and doing this is all clearly crazy time for me. I’m a Quaker, good grief. I’ve done youth ministry in a local church for years. I have no idea what it’s like to do youth ministry on an army base. I don’t know what youth who are children of army personnel are like, what their struggles are, etc. Oh sure, I can glibly say that they’re like all other youth, and I’m sure there are similarities, but they’re also facing unique life experiences that I’ve not dealt with much on an intellectual or experiential level.
It’s been interesting imaging what this time is going to be like. There are times when I begin to imagine this experience and fear is there to escort me through the imagining. When I allow the fear to join me, I begin to question what it is about contemplative youth ministry that I really know. I lose sight of much of my knowledge, conviction and passion for this approach to ministry.
On the other hand, when I allow myself to move into a restful and attentive place, thoughts, ideas, feelings of clarity and hope begin to emerge. I begin to be more aware of who I am and who the folks I’ll be sharing with are. I’m reminded that who I am is not some expert on contemplative youth ministry, but I’m the beloved of God. When I become centered on my belovedness, then I begin to experience freedom and in that freedom I find I’m free to also see that the folks I’ll be sharing with are God’s beloved, too. At the same time, some of the really important things that I believe about contemplative youth ministry begin to emerge, and not just because it’s good information that I can share and that it will impress these folks, but because it’s truth and I’ve experienced the truth in my life and that makes me excited to share it with these folks.
I’m also reminded about Parker Palmer’s definition of teaching. “To teach is to create a space in which the community of truth is practiced.” As I share with these folks, truth will be present, pursuing us, and every individual there will have the ability to hear truth. Because of that, I hope I will be able to create a space in which the community can share with each other the truth we will individually and collectively encounter. It’s not all about Paul Bock, but about the community of truth listening to Truth.
So I am climbing out of the boat, and by God’s grace I’ll keep my eyes on Jesus, I will be attentive to that of Christ in these folks, and not get distracted by the waves.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Miriam’s Desires = My Crazy Time
A while back my spiritual director, who is always encouraging me to explore my deepest desires, in fact, to explore and bring into the Light all my desires, told me about how he and his wife share their desires for the day with each other every morning. Then they ask each other, “What can I do to make those happen for you?” When I went back a month later to him, I mentioned how I discovered I was resistant to doing that with Miriam. I realized that if I were to make myself available to Miriam in that way, I would begin to lose control of my day.
Miriam grew up in a missionary family and as a little girl learned to not pay attention to her desires. When we got married I somehow, I want to say unconsciously, figured this out about Miriam and, sad to say, encouraged it. It worked to my benefit to have Miriam be more interested in and attentive to my desires than her own.
It was a humbling moment when my spiritual director asked me how long Miriam and I had been married and responded to my answer by say, “So you’ve had 30 years of training Miriam not to pay attention to her desires?” I think I can honestly say I experienced a wave of grief wash over me.
But now we’re on a different road. My wife, as am I, is filled with desires, many God-given desires. My sense is that as I encourage her to search for those desires and allow them to work their way to the surface of her thinking and feeling, I will begin to discover some amazing things about the person to whom I’m married.
But I’m also realizing that as I open myself to hearing Miriam’s desires and then ask the question, “What can I do today to make those happen for you?” I will be entering crazy time. I will begin to leave life as I know it and enter some painful and changing terrain.
My spiritual director is Catholic and sees his marriage as a sacrament. He believes that whenever people come into contact with him and his wife, they should be coming into contact with divine grace. He also sees his marriage as an indicator of his ability to hear and obey God. To the extent that he can know his wife’s desires and be able to say, “Whatever you want will determine the course of my day,” to that extent he figures he is following Jesus. Too often we can hear God telling us what we want to hear, so he uses the pursuit of fulfilling his wife’s desires as an indicator that he is also open to truly listening to and fulfilling the desires of God in his life.
That the course of my day would be determined by the desires of my wife would be a step for me into crazy time. To listen to the heart of Jesus and allow that to determine the course of my day? Crazy time. God in your grace, have mercy on me.
A while back my spiritual director, who is always encouraging me to explore my deepest desires, in fact, to explore and bring into the Light all my desires, told me about how he and his wife share their desires for the day with each other every morning. Then they ask each other, “What can I do to make those happen for you?” When I went back a month later to him, I mentioned how I discovered I was resistant to doing that with Miriam. I realized that if I were to make myself available to Miriam in that way, I would begin to lose control of my day.
Miriam grew up in a missionary family and as a little girl learned to not pay attention to her desires. When we got married I somehow, I want to say unconsciously, figured this out about Miriam and, sad to say, encouraged it. It worked to my benefit to have Miriam be more interested in and attentive to my desires than her own.
It was a humbling moment when my spiritual director asked me how long Miriam and I had been married and responded to my answer by say, “So you’ve had 30 years of training Miriam not to pay attention to her desires?” I think I can honestly say I experienced a wave of grief wash over me.
But now we’re on a different road. My wife, as am I, is filled with desires, many God-given desires. My sense is that as I encourage her to search for those desires and allow them to work their way to the surface of her thinking and feeling, I will begin to discover some amazing things about the person to whom I’m married.
But I’m also realizing that as I open myself to hearing Miriam’s desires and then ask the question, “What can I do today to make those happen for you?” I will be entering crazy time. I will begin to leave life as I know it and enter some painful and changing terrain.
My spiritual director is Catholic and sees his marriage as a sacrament. He believes that whenever people come into contact with him and his wife, they should be coming into contact with divine grace. He also sees his marriage as an indicator of his ability to hear and obey God. To the extent that he can know his wife’s desires and be able to say, “Whatever you want will determine the course of my day,” to that extent he figures he is following Jesus. Too often we can hear God telling us what we want to hear, so he uses the pursuit of fulfilling his wife’s desires as an indicator that he is also open to truly listening to and fulfilling the desires of God in his life.
That the course of my day would be determined by the desires of my wife would be a step for me into crazy time. To listen to the heart of Jesus and allow that to determine the course of my day? Crazy time. God in your grace, have mercy on me.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Tom and Crazy Time
A friend with whom I worked on the YouthQuake Planning Committee, Tom Fox, was found dead a couple of days ago, apparently killed by his kidnappers in Iraq. Tom was willing to enter Crazy Time…and he stayed there as long as he could. While he was working in Iraq, I consistently followed his email updates and prayed for him on a consistent basis. His emails were fascinating and inspiring and filled with courage and love for those who were suffering around him. Just before he was taken captive, I had invited other friends to begin receiving Tom’s updates.
All of this can make me feel real good. Wow, I knew Tom Fox, now a martyr for peace. I interacted with him and encouraged others to listen to his voice for peace. But in actuality, Tom scared me down to the very core of who I am. I was both strongly attracted to him and yet wanted to maintain a safe distance. In some ways, I wonder if my prayers for Tom allowed me to live through him vicariously, feeling like I was involved at the heart of the kingdom’s work for peace and justice, without really being at the heart of it, without being in harms way.
I’m not supposed to be Tom Fox. I’m called to be Paul Bock. I’m called to be faithful to God’s call on my life, and I guess that’s what I’m hoping I’ll do, in the same way Tom was faithful to God’s call on his life. If that’s suppose to mean I do youth ministry in Newberg, Oregon for years to come, I hope I will do that faithfully, but with a willingness to allow crazy time to enter into that space. If it means that God is going to call me out of this place that seems so safe and normal to me right now, then I pray for the grace to be faithful to that.
God, thanks for Tom and his example of willingness to enter into crazy time…no matter what.
A friend with whom I worked on the YouthQuake Planning Committee, Tom Fox, was found dead a couple of days ago, apparently killed by his kidnappers in Iraq. Tom was willing to enter Crazy Time…and he stayed there as long as he could. While he was working in Iraq, I consistently followed his email updates and prayed for him on a consistent basis. His emails were fascinating and inspiring and filled with courage and love for those who were suffering around him. Just before he was taken captive, I had invited other friends to begin receiving Tom’s updates.
All of this can make me feel real good. Wow, I knew Tom Fox, now a martyr for peace. I interacted with him and encouraged others to listen to his voice for peace. But in actuality, Tom scared me down to the very core of who I am. I was both strongly attracted to him and yet wanted to maintain a safe distance. In some ways, I wonder if my prayers for Tom allowed me to live through him vicariously, feeling like I was involved at the heart of the kingdom’s work for peace and justice, without really being at the heart of it, without being in harms way.
I’m not supposed to be Tom Fox. I’m called to be Paul Bock. I’m called to be faithful to God’s call on my life, and I guess that’s what I’m hoping I’ll do, in the same way Tom was faithful to God’s call on his life. If that’s suppose to mean I do youth ministry in Newberg, Oregon for years to come, I hope I will do that faithfully, but with a willingness to allow crazy time to enter into that space. If it means that God is going to call me out of this place that seems so safe and normal to me right now, then I pray for the grace to be faithful to that.
God, thanks for Tom and his example of willingness to enter into crazy time…no matter what.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Your Crazy Time Unnerves Me
The other day I sat with a friend and listened to him talk about his discontentedness with life and his present work situation. I listened attentively, reflected what I was hearing, shared what I noticed, gave some thoughts on my perception of some of his thinking, told him I would be praying for him, and went merrily on my way. A couple days later he wrote me to say thanks and that some major things were moving and big changes could be in the offing.
It scared me. Geeze, I had encouraged him to think along those lines, to be really open to something new. Now he and his wife and children could be entering crazy time. But it looks like to me that if they don’t, they may die on a few different levels.
But I hear myself through him. Am I dying? Is my life shriveling? What if I stay where I am for years to come, how alive will I be?
I’ve been thinking about the story of Jesus walking on the water out to the disciples who were safe within their boat. The disciples weren’t in crazy time, but when Jesus tells Peter to get out of the boat, now we have crazy time. What strikes me is that what got Peter in trouble was taking his eyes off of Jesus when he was in the midst of crazy time. Fear took Peter’s eyes off Jesus. How do I keep my eyes on Jesus when fear is griping me?
The other day Miriam and I were doing centering prayer together. In some ways I think centering prayer is crazy time. It was in the morning and all through the prayer the tasks of the day kept pulling me out of a place of attentiveness and into the day. All through the time of prayer the waves started to splash around me, creating anxiety, and I would take my eyes off of Jesus.
And when I listen to friends getting out of the boat and trying to keep their eyes on Jesus, I start looking at the waves. Shoot, I’m still in the boat and I’m scared. I hope my friends don’t pick up on my fear.
The other day I sat with a friend and listened to him talk about his discontentedness with life and his present work situation. I listened attentively, reflected what I was hearing, shared what I noticed, gave some thoughts on my perception of some of his thinking, told him I would be praying for him, and went merrily on my way. A couple days later he wrote me to say thanks and that some major things were moving and big changes could be in the offing.
It scared me. Geeze, I had encouraged him to think along those lines, to be really open to something new. Now he and his wife and children could be entering crazy time. But it looks like to me that if they don’t, they may die on a few different levels.
But I hear myself through him. Am I dying? Is my life shriveling? What if I stay where I am for years to come, how alive will I be?
I’ve been thinking about the story of Jesus walking on the water out to the disciples who were safe within their boat. The disciples weren’t in crazy time, but when Jesus tells Peter to get out of the boat, now we have crazy time. What strikes me is that what got Peter in trouble was taking his eyes off of Jesus when he was in the midst of crazy time. Fear took Peter’s eyes off Jesus. How do I keep my eyes on Jesus when fear is griping me?
The other day Miriam and I were doing centering prayer together. In some ways I think centering prayer is crazy time. It was in the morning and all through the prayer the tasks of the day kept pulling me out of a place of attentiveness and into the day. All through the time of prayer the waves started to splash around me, creating anxiety, and I would take my eyes off of Jesus.
And when I listen to friends getting out of the boat and trying to keep their eyes on Jesus, I start looking at the waves. Shoot, I’m still in the boat and I’m scared. I hope my friends don’t pick up on my fear.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Angels
I'm moving through the book of Job right now, which is crazy time all in and of itself. I came across a passage that referred to angels being involved in our lives. I quickly discarded the idea. That's fine and normal for biblical stuff, but not my experience. Then I started thinking about the idea of encountering an angel. I don't think God would send an angel my direction, because I would get so caught up in being encountered by an angel that I would lose total focus on God. The means would totally blow away the ends. Whatever the angel was suppose to accomplish would be lost. On the other hand, when I think about times in the Bible people were encountered by angels, the work of the kingdom was what it was all about. Think Joseph or Zechariah. Think of Jesus being attended to by angels after being tempted by Satan or people getting busted out of prison so they could continue their work. They frequently seem to be in the role of messengers helping people do the work of the kingdom.
Anyway, the idea of being encountered by an angel seems ridiculous to me. When I think of angels I think of shallow or fanatical religious experience. I think of figurines or posters I would see in a Christian Supply Bookstore. I think of people saying, “Wow, I almost got hit by that car. I guess I have an angel watching over me,” like all angels do is follow us around keeping bad things from happening to us. Nothing about accomplishing the work of the kingdom. It has a sappy sentimentality about it that makes me want throw up.
All that to say, thinking about angels or being open to actually being encountered by an angel is in and of itself, crazy time to me. Very uncomfortable. I don’t even like going there and making myself stay here thinking about it feels strange. Now that I think about it, I almost equate angels with ghosts and I’m not sure I believe in either one. I guess I believe in angels, but the idea of one actually being involved in my life seems ridiculous.
I'm moving through the book of Job right now, which is crazy time all in and of itself. I came across a passage that referred to angels being involved in our lives. I quickly discarded the idea. That's fine and normal for biblical stuff, but not my experience. Then I started thinking about the idea of encountering an angel. I don't think God would send an angel my direction, because I would get so caught up in being encountered by an angel that I would lose total focus on God. The means would totally blow away the ends. Whatever the angel was suppose to accomplish would be lost. On the other hand, when I think about times in the Bible people were encountered by angels, the work of the kingdom was what it was all about. Think Joseph or Zechariah. Think of Jesus being attended to by angels after being tempted by Satan or people getting busted out of prison so they could continue their work. They frequently seem to be in the role of messengers helping people do the work of the kingdom.
Anyway, the idea of being encountered by an angel seems ridiculous to me. When I think of angels I think of shallow or fanatical religious experience. I think of figurines or posters I would see in a Christian Supply Bookstore. I think of people saying, “Wow, I almost got hit by that car. I guess I have an angel watching over me,” like all angels do is follow us around keeping bad things from happening to us. Nothing about accomplishing the work of the kingdom. It has a sappy sentimentality about it that makes me want throw up.
All that to say, thinking about angels or being open to actually being encountered by an angel is in and of itself, crazy time to me. Very uncomfortable. I don’t even like going there and making myself stay here thinking about it feels strange. Now that I think about it, I almost equate angels with ghosts and I’m not sure I believe in either one. I guess I believe in angels, but the idea of one actually being involved in my life seems ridiculous.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Why "crazy time."
I'm borrowing this from Richard Rohr's book Everything Belongs. He talks about liminal experiences, experiences that place a person inbeteen what's normal now and wha's coming next. It can also be thought of as a threshold into something new. Rohr calls these limenal experiences crazy time. I don't like these times. However, I'm restless. I'm restless with my comfortableness, with my normalcy. Rohr suggests we get into crazy time as often as possible and stay there as long as possible, even though we don't like it.
What's a person to do?
So this blogging is going to be where I lean into crazy time.
pjulius
I'm borrowing this from Richard Rohr's book Everything Belongs. He talks about liminal experiences, experiences that place a person inbeteen what's normal now and wha's coming next. It can also be thought of as a threshold into something new. Rohr calls these limenal experiences crazy time. I don't like these times. However, I'm restless. I'm restless with my comfortableness, with my normalcy. Rohr suggests we get into crazy time as often as possible and stay there as long as possible, even though we don't like it.
What's a person to do?
So this blogging is going to be where I lean into crazy time.
pjulius
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)